OPINION: I don’t know what it is about this time of year, but instead of the all the joy and merriness described in Christmas carols, I keep reading headlines about things we should fear and situations that have us in clear and present danger.
There are certain things I think about as dangerous, such as guns, rips in the sea, eating too many beans, being sneezed on, standing on a recently broken Christmas tree bauble, and drinking red wine anywhere near light-coloured carpet. But I would be wrong. There are far more dangers lurking around us at this time of year.
For instance, this week I woke up to a press release warning car parks are now battlegrounds, and as we know, a battleground is a dangerous place.
I was in a doctor’s waiting room on Tuesday, flicking through a magazine only to discover that years of people telling us breakfast is the most important meal of the day, may have been wrong because suddenly I was reading about a book called Breakfast is a Dangerous Meal.
* Why vagina cleaning fads are unnecessary and dangerous
* Antibacterial products do more harm than good – expert
* Avril Lavigne named the most dangerous celebrity
* Yoga ‘more dangerous than previously thought’: study
* Rob Stock: Online shopping is dangerous
I was thrown into internal chaos. Could my toaster be about to blow up in my face? Is Marmite secretly eating away at my insides?
As it goes, the author is a Type 2 diabetic who tracked his glucose levels to find he was better off waiting for lunch. So, in order to stop what he calls the “glorification of breakfast” he began researching to discover many studies hailing breakfast were funded by cereal or breakfast-food manufacturers. Additionally, he found most breakfast foods were laden with carbohydrates and sugar, which we should all be cutting down on.
While we’re on the subject of food, the egg has long been contentious, being linked with cardiovascular disease and stroke but these days the egg is presented with positive nutritional attributes. Now I discover that eggs could be out to kill us with an article in The Sun screaming “Microwaving a boiled egg is one of the most DANGEROUS things you can do in the kitchen” – which is quite a claim because a few weeks ago, I spilled a container of cat biscuits on my kitchen floor and immediately found myself in the midst of a cat stampede that could well have landed me in hospital.
The story that followed warned of the danger of putting an egg in its shell in the microwave. Scientists found that if the shell bursts, the sound could be “as loud as lightning or a chainsaw”. One scientist said reheating hard boiled eggs in the microwave was like “playing egg roulette”, a dangerous game if ever I heard one.
And finally, another story, this time on Stuff, warning “Why vagina cleaning fads are unnecessary and dangerous”. Long gone are the days where a vagina could just be a vagina, going about its normal everyday business. Now we are faced with all manner of peculiar interferences with the natural order of things from vaginal steaming to cucumber cleansers and various commercial or homemade douches.
No! Leave your lady garden alone. As the article says: “Vaginal discharge is healthy and plays an important role in the defence against infection. Trying to eliminate it makes no sense and is in fact harmful.”
So there’s all the latest news in Dangerous Things That Could Ruin Your Festivities: car parks, breakfast, exploding eggs and putting hot water near your genitals instead of in a cup of tea.
Instead of leaving you with false anxieties, can I just remind you that the real concern is arriving at Christmas Day feeling stressed and overloaded. Just remember to steer clear of too many baked beans, watch carefully for ocean rips by swimming between the flags, cough or sneeze into your elbow, stop buying Christmas decorations made with glass and, if you are hosting Christmas drinks, offer guests red wine in sippy cups.